Everton manager Ronald Koeman read aloud a list of extra demands to the board after being granted Morgan Schneiderlin having spent yesterday stomping his feet and screaming.

The Manchester United midfielder looks poised to complete a £22m transfer to Goodison Park, but Toffees boss Koeman isn’t done there.

At a hastily arranged press conference, the Dutchman outlined requests including a cluster of castles in Maastricht, two new cars and ambitiously customised upgrades on three of his existing cars.

Koeman is said to be confident of landing the proposed items, upon which he plans to immediately deliberate what else he should kick up a fuss about.

He said: “I quite fancy a new set of squash rackets and Cristiano Ronaldo and like a solid gold brick or something.

“I’d also like a bionic Lukaku that closes down and defends from the front.

“And you know what, I’ll take a Barkley one of those too.

“Cheers.”