Oh Look, Another Decision Goes United’s Way, Says You

Manchester United winger Ashley Young dived against his old side Aston Villa
Injustice... Set in stone

Oh look, Manchester United got another dodgy refereeing decision.

The Red Devils, still a far more edifying choice of title-winner than that City lot, were given a penalty, vouchers for a hot air balloon ride and a cash prize of £50,000 when Ashley Young once again mistakenly tried to prove to the Old Trafford faithful that he can fly, just watch.

In what is already being described as “a remarkable coincidence”, it turns out that every referee in the country is not only a boyhood United fan, but has also at some point been discovered by their spouse in the bathroom with their trousers round their ankles and a “jazz mag” with all the faces cut out and replaced with Sir Alex Ferguson’s wryly smiling crimson visage.

Oh, except for Martin Atkinson, who just makes up the rules as he goes along.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, you said: “Seriously, what is the point of a ‘competitive’ league if the top club not only gets unimaginable sums of money for doing the most goals and whatnot, but also an extra 10-15 points a season through the kind of unaccountable bias that’s usually reserved for actual world leaders?

Manchester United winger Ashley Young dived against his old side Aston Villa
The Beast of Injustice (Img: Yale Law Library)

“I support [insert team of choice here] and I find the very real possibility of us never winning anything of note ever again quite disillusioning, to be honest with you. Can’t the FA at least up ours and 99% of other clubs’ chances just a smidgen by employing referees who aren’t such obsequious creeps?

“There’s enough injustice in the world as it is without it spilling over into our pastimes. I mean, when I catch a fish, there’s never a bloke there to grab it back off me and throw it back in the water while shaking his head and waving away my protestations like an absolute tosspot.”

He added: “Well, obviously I throw it back anyway, but…what were we talking about?”

Meanwhile, Martin Atkinson said: “In the words of Bill Shankly, football is a simple game complicated by idiots.

“You have two teams of 312 unicorns, and whichever team manages to flick the most shirt buttons into the wicker alligator’s mouth is the winner.

“And that’s why I allowed Chelsea’s second against Spurs yesterday.”