Oh look, Allardyce signs target man

Andy Carroll
Carroll… More Voldemort than Vorderman (Img: Inge Knoff)

West Ham United manager Sam Allardyce has prompted nationwide eye-rolling and utterances of “plus ça change” by bringing Liverpool and England target man Andy Carroll to Upton Park on a season-long loan.

Allardyce, vulgar, stunned all and sundry by releasing Norwegian massive bloke John Carew earlier this summer, but he is sure to be pre-emptively celebrating a turgid but solid mid-table finish having added Carroll to a Hammers front line which already includes the sporadically decent Carlton Cole and the downright horrid Kevin Nolan.

Burp sources have indicated that the former Bolton Wanderers, Newcastle United and Blackburn Rovers boss is on the lookout for at least three more target man, four vast young African midfielders and an ageing foreigner with sufficient showboating capabilities to placate the Irons faithful.

Alan, a West Ham fan from Stepney, said: “As long as he’s provided with the right service Carroll can be devastatingly effective, and I’m happy enough to withstand a painfully agricultural season of aerial bombardments as long as Davids Gold and Sullivan sack Big Sam at the end of it and replace him with a glamorous ex-pro who can take us back down the following season.

“Er, cor blimey luv a duck an’ no mistake, guvnor.”

Steve, an Irons fan from Leyton, said: “He took Blackburn to the top half and their fans were still calling for his head on account of the stultifying fare on offer.

“We’re West Ham – we play nice football and capitulate away from home. I’m not convinced that Allardyce understands that.”

Allardyce was unavailable for comment as he is currently locked in talks with every agent in world football.