Newcastle release Gutiérrez and Taylor via barbershop quartet

News of non-renewal delivered via medium of song as Ashley asserts dominance.

Jonás Gutiérrez
GUTTED: Gutiérrez (Image: mickyb59/Flickr)

Newcastle United informed star duo Jonás Gutiérrez and Ryan Taylor of their release from the club via the unusual medium of barbershop quartet, it has emerged.

Temporary manager John Carver, a sort of cross between Phil Brown and Ray Houghton, could not bring himself to tell the players personally so left it to Magpies owner Mike Ashley to arrange for a special musical missive.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, the hired barbershop quartet asked you to focus also on their harmonies, which they spent ages rehearsing and had to go through three different baritones to get right.

They chorused, harmoniously: “Gutiérrez and Taylor, hello from Mike Ashley! You’re finished here at St James’s, and I’d like to inform you brashly!

“I know you’re away on a coaching course, but take a minute to hear this song-a! It’s an elaborate way of delivering the news that you’ll no longer be wearing ‘Wonga’!

“Maybe you could go to a Championship club, or a newly promoted team! Bournemouth have got some money to throw about, things aren’t as bad as they may seem!

“Thank you for your service, but you’ve been deemed as more expendable than Sammy Ameobi! Now we will instantly forget you, as if you were an album by Moby!

“Look, not much rhymes with Ameobi.”

The barbershop quartet went on to confirm that Nile Ranger had been offered a contract but Newcastle are not prepared to match the ten-year deal tabled by Blackpool.

Gutiérrez and Taylor are thought to be readying a rock opera based on the former’s heroic final day performance against West Ham.