Millions still oblivious to irrelevance of friendly results

Global epidemic of knee-jerking ushers in brass bands and petticoat-clad chorus lines.

Everybody Can-Can!
KNEES: Jerking (Image: UH Digital Library)

Millions of football fans remain ignorant as to the lack of correlation between results in pre-season friendlies and ensuing league performance, it has emerged.

The supporters, worldwide, have resoundingly failed to take on board the lessons doled out by their favoured team’s results and performances in any number of previous pre-seasons, according to new research.

In a survey of everyone who’s ever expressed even the remotest interest in following a football club, 100% of those polled started knee-jerking with such wild abandon that they were joined by a chorus line of female dancers decked out in long skirts, petticoats and black stockings.

Yelling exclusively to Football Burp over the impromptu and energetic brass band accompaniment, one fan who’d seen his team lose 2-0 at some Conference outfit or other declared the 2014-15 season to be “a complete write-off”.

He boomed: “I know it’s only a friendly, but going by that performance we haven’t got a prayer of staying in the division, let alone making the play-offs.

“The players looked like a bunch of strangers out there, especially after we subbed the whole lot of them at half time.

“They weren’t even charging about like lunatics – they looked unfit, they were ducking out of 50-50 challenges, all in all they were a disgrace to the shirt.

“Frankly, it was a slap in the face for everyone who’d parted with £5.50 of their hard-earned cash to come and watch it.”

Speaking exclusively to someone else, a fan who’d seen his team web some Austrian 3rd division side all over the shop hailed the arrival of “a new golden age for total football”.

He crowed: “We’re going to win everything in sight, I’m telling you.

“Footballing nonpareils, the lot of them. They are to the beautiful game what Mozart was to, you know, painting, or whatever it was that Mozart did.

“Care to join me in a glass of champagne?”