It’s perfectly acceptable to bite people and be a bad fascist as long as you’re an asset to your organisation, football has confirmed.
The sport, temperamental, made headlines again this weekend when Liverpool loon Luis Suarez took a chomp out of Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic, while Sunderland’s 1-0 win over Everton edged Paolo Di Canio ever closer to being able to wear his Mussolini pyjamas on the touchline and celebrate goals with a rapid fire series of questionable salutes.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, football insisted that players could soon expect to be able to roam the streets smiting randomly selected passers by with a whacking great sword just as long as their talents are sufficient to earn their club an extra few hundred thousand pounds each season.
It said: nothing, you idiots. Football’s dead, it’s locked in Luis Suarez’s basement. The Uruguayan looks likely to miss the Gold Cup and Grand National but can expect the full, unwavering support of the Anfield faithful, who have already revealed plans to boo Branislav Ivanovic at every opportunity for what they perceived to be a sickening bicep smash into the teeth of their darling match-winner.
They said: “It’s an anti-Liverpool agenda, la – all the referees are against us, and the media too.
“Except Alan Hansen. And Mark Lawrenson. And Jamie Redknapp. And Kevin Keegan. And John Barnes.
“And Graeme Souness. And Phil Thompson. And Stan Collymore. And John Aldridge. And Steve McManaman. And Jim Beglin. And Steve McMahon. And Michael Owen.
“And John Scales. Don’t forget John Scales.”
They added: “Blimey, we forgot about Mick Quinn, Don Hutchison, Robbie Fowler, Phil Neal, Jason McAteer, Ian Rush, Danny Murphy, Barry Venison, Ray Houghton, Steve Nicol, Steve Staunton and David Fairclough.
“Apart from all them, though, there is a very clear and tangible anti-Liverpool bias in the media. Except for Henry Winter, Alan Green…”
It just went on like that.