Jeremy Corbyn last night broke Luke Shaw’s leg during a vicious on-pitch power struggle during Man Utd’s 1-2 Champions League defeat to PSV Eindhoven.
The new Labour leader, dangerous, followed up his sensational unsinging of the national anthem by running onto the Old Trafford pitch like some kind of scruffy Marxist and hacking down the Red Devils full-back in his suspected prime.
He then grabbed a nearby pensioner’s lunch, straight out of his hands I tell you, and ran away laughing maniacally with the shirt off your back.
Asked why he decided to break Luke Shaw’s leg, Corbyn remained philosophical.
He said: “Look, for crying out loud, I wasn’t even anywhere near Manchester.
“I’ve tried asking you nicely to stop badgering me about why I scythed down various footballers I’ve never even heard of, and I shan’t be speaking to you again.
“Good day to you, sir.”
When asked again and more forcefully this time why he did it, Corbyn remained silent.