Wayne Rooney declared himself “basically Pirlo” in a revealing interview that leaves José Mourinho with little option but to bow to his demands.

Most revealing of all the interview’s revelations was Rooney’s apparently rock-solid conviction that he can still play football to the level Man Utd require.

Despite admitting he “may have lost a fraction of pace, and strength, and my touch”, Rooney clearly objected to his recent role as a substitute.

After challenging Football Burp to a keepy-uppies contest and emerging triumphant, Rooney gathered the ball up and stood defiantly with hands on hips.

He said: “See? Still got it, me.

“It’s just that I’m a different type of genius now, more of a deep-lying one who likes to ping the ball around for effect.

“Obviously it’s up to the gaffer how he wants to use my sublime skills, but I think we can all agree they’re wasted on the bench.

“Like Ryan Giggs and U2 before me, I’ve reinvented myself to suit the ever-changing landscape of top-flight football/pop music.

“Now watch me score a penalty against that five-year-old over there. I’m gonna Panenka it, lad, it’ll be boss.”

He added: “Erm…best out of three?”