Wally Dipstickson, 21, has been banned from every football ground in the country after running onto the pitch during the Yorkshire clubs’ 1-1 draw at Hillsborough on Friday night and swatting Kirkland to the ground, because that kind of thing always ends well.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Dipstickson – recently appointed Mayor of Dipstickville after a number of his contemporaries were arrested for being racist to footballers on Twitter – confessed that he had thought such actions to be conducive to widespread acclaim rather than condemnation.
He said: “Running onto the pitch and blapsing a player in the face – how could anyone fail to be impressed by that?
“In my mind, the stadium would erupt with laughter, Kirkland would get up sheepishly clutching his reddened face and ruffle my hair like the lovable rogue I am, and then a mounting media campaign would eventually result in my own long-running talk show, like a more cutting-edge Parkinson.
“I certainly didn’t expect to be facing police charges. It’s no wonder this country’s in such a mess if someone able to pluck up the courage to blapse a goalkeeper is then told by all and sundry that he’d done wrong and must be punished for it.
“It’s all very sad and rather embarrassing. I thought attitudes had progressed since that Celtic fan swatted Dida a few years ago, but apparently trying to inject a bit of good old-fashioned fun into the game is still frowned upon.
“Now if you don’t mind I’m off to make toast in the bath – two goalkeepers’ faces, one fist, and all that.”
Kirkland was this morning still recovering from the shock of encountering such overwhelming idiocy.