EXCLUSIVE: Suárez goal drought investigated

Professionals have been consulted to ascertain whether he is mental, injured or malnutritioned.


Desert… Dry (Image: Simona.cerrato)

After two whole matches without Luis Suárez finding the back of the net, Liverpool are now holding crisis talks to find out what is bothering the Uruguayan star false 9.

Brendan Rodgers is thought to have had a number of private meetings with Suárez about his goal drought but doesn’t seem to have got to the root of the matter.

Psychologists, doctors and nutritionists have all been consulted to ascertain whether he is mental, injured or malnutritioned – but all have failed to reach any kind of rational diagnosis.

Suárez’s last goal came 230 minutes ago against Phil Jagielka – he then failed to find the target against West Bromwich Albion, and most worryingly he missed out on the goal-fest versus Arsenal that even Martin Skrtel managed to net twice in.

It is being reported that the Slovakian has been following Suárez around the Reds’ Melwood training ground gesticulating wildly, practicing various new goal celebrations.

The South American’s loss of form may be attributed to a sneaky sabotage of the green tea he is always seen to be drinking before every match.

It has been rumoured that Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny laced Suárez’s concoction on the morning of the West Brom game with a drug that impairs foot/eye coordination, throwing him off balance for Saturday’s showdown at Anfield.

Whatever the reason for the Liverpool striker’s sudden dive into the depths of footballing hell, he shall be docked two weeks’ wages, fined £36.82 and made to help peel the potatoes in the Melwood kitchen.

Bloody liberty.