What about that Rickie Lambert, eh? Marvellous, it has been confirmed.
The Southampton striker, wonderful, bagged his second goal in consecutive England appearances as part of a nutritious 4-0 win over Macedonia All-Stars.
This latest triumph capped an amazing tale of rags to riches, one which has seen him go from being an alcoholic children’s birthday clown to everybody’s favourite Saints forward via a series of disastrous forklift truck shifts.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a Lambert fan from Fort Lambert, Lambertsville USA, claimed that he’d once seen him eat a live alligator while staging a fist fight with a grizzly bear.
He said: “Rickie Lambert once impregnated a mare just by going up to it and whispering ‘foal’ into its ear.
“Rickie Lambert doesn’t go shopping – shops go Rickie Lambert-ing.
“Someone once called Rickie Lambert a sissy because he spells his name in a girly way, so Rickie Lambert turned himself into a lion and pooed on the guy’s car.
He continued: “Rickie Lambert once used Francis Benali to rescue Jason Dodd from a tree.
“Rickie Lambert has fifty-eight children and they’re all called Rickie Lambert and they’re all awesome.
Lambert was unavailable for comment as he was too busy plotting the downfall of the Ukraine and going “muhahaha”.