Eto’o flies into Everton for carbon dating

Mourinho accuses striker of reading Dawkins book, shaking his head and saying, "You weren't there, man."

Samuel Eto'o collects his medication
ETO’O: Pills

Samuel Eto’o will undergo carbon dating in place of the standard medical procedure ahead of his move to Everton, Football Burp understands.

Blues boss Roberto Martínez is keen to bolster his strike force with some experienced cover for Romelu Lukaku, but reservations have surfaced amidst reports that Eto’o may have scored the winner in the 1956 European Cup final.

Despite firm denials from the Eto’o camp, suspicions were further aroused when a Spanish football historian tweeted a scan of an old magazine article in which Alfredo Di Stéfano cites Eto’o as being the teammate who is “longest in the shower”.

The Cameroon striker was also accused of being part of his nation’s coaching staff at Italia ’90 after rare footage emerged of Roger Milla appearing to say the words “Samuel Eto’o is like a father to me” in a post-match interview.

Everton officials have also been alerted to the fact that Eto’o flew into Merseyside not by aircraft but on his own pterodactyl-style wings, believed to be the result of millions of years’ worth of personal evolution.

Speaking strictly off-the-record to a French journalist, Chelsea manager José Mourinho let slip that Eto’o could be a good deal more ancient than the 33 years indicated by his official documents.

He said: “I’m not saying Samuel Eto’o is old, but he did seem to know an awful lot more about the Battle of Hastings than is usual for a footballer.

“And I definitely recall him spending one coach journey to an away game reading a Richard Dawkins book, shaking his head and saying, ‘You weren’t there, man.’

“Like I said, I’m not accusing him of lying about his age, but he did used to brag about the time he got Sir Walter Raleigh’s autograph.”