Diego Costa fitness controlled by Mourinho’s mind, it turns out

Chelsea manager's famed mind games now beyond Jedi levels of power.

José Mourinho, controller of Diego Costa fitness
JEDI: Mourinho (Image: Ronnie Macdonald)

It’s the Diego Costa fitness that’s had a nation on tenterhooks for weeks on end, and it turns out it’s controlled by the mind of his manager José Mourinho.

The Chelsea striker, rugged, had been reported as being doubtful for recent Premier League fixtures against Everton and Swansea City yet managed to not just play against both but also fill his boots.

Fill his boots with goals.

Such tomfoolery has been attributed in the media to a good old-fashioned case of Mourinho mind games, but we can reveal these assertions to be somewhat understating matters.

Communicating exclusively to Football Burp via the unorthodox medium of telepathy, Mourinho flashed us images painting a perfect picture of Diego Costa fitness before suddenly switching and presenting us with a scene of a heavily bandaged man lying in a hospital bed with his leg raised.

He imparted, somehow: “See that? I can control all that you see and hear, from the horizontal to the vertical.

“Just look at Diego Costa, lying there forlornly, virtually mummified. He’ll never play again, at least not at the top level.

“But wait a minute – what’s this? Why, he’s leapt out of his bed and is performing star jumps! See the bandages slip off his sleek, muscular frame.

“Aaaaannnnd…back in the bed! Nasty one, this time – looks like someone’s split his skull in twain with a ninja star. Surely he won’t recover in time to face Manchester City on Sunday.

“Especially now there’s an adult grizzly slashing at his vital organs with its mighty paws. The Chelsea striker curse strikes again.

“But wait – he’s acquired a hat and cane and is now performing show tunes! Sing along with Diego Costa, everyone!

“‘Oooohhh I’m so wild about Harry, and he’s so wild about meeee…'”