Brazil 2014 descended into farce when an intriguing tactical battle broke out at last night’s Argentina v Holland semi-final, it is being reported.

The battle, intriguingly tactical and tactically intriguing, bored everyone on Earth to tears across 120 profoundly uneventful minutes of closing down, snuffing out and disrupting flow that even some of the world’s best players were unable to do anything about.

Argentina’s Lionel Messi was reduced to the role of virtual spectator, whatever that’s supposed to mean, while the Netherlands’ Arjen Robben was scarcely even able to perform his party piece of diving in between two opposition players like a dog jumping through a hoop.

A really old-looking dog that keeps crapping on the kitchen floor time and time again, but is in fact fit as a fiddle. A butcher’s dog, even.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Lionel Messi relived the night’s dreadful events.

He squirmed: “Virtual Spectator? Is that what they call The Spectator magazine’s website?

“Yeah, I was doing a bit of virtual spectatin’ at last night’s Argentina v Holland semi-final. Who’s askin’? There was a bit of that going on, sure.

“I virtually spectated, alright. Not much else you can do when an intriguing tactical battle breaks out at a World Cup match – you just gots to stand, watch and count down each soul-sucking minute until the penalties.”

He continued: “Some of my friends are telling me it was a fascinating game of chess between two of football’s top strategists, a dense and complex battle of wits.

“I calls them football hipsters. It was dull, I tells ya.”