I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my World Cup score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for the first phase of groups A and B.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the creme de la menthe of world football.

I have managed in the Premier League, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio. Er, except that one time at West Blom.

Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My World Cup score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…

World Cup score predictions – Thursday June 12th

Brazil v Croatia, 21:00

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Louis Phillip Scholarly is a top, top coach with a notch-top pedegrini, so his Brazil side are sure to be among the favourites to ultimuttley win the tournament.

Don’t dismiss Croatia out of pocket, though – they’ve got some dangerous players like Real Madrid maestro Luke Mudrick and Bayern Munich striker Mario Manchewits, although the latter is suspended and likely to be replaced by Brazil-born former Arsenal forward Edwardio.

Mystic Megson says: Brazil 2-1 Croatia – Freddo and Nay Marr putting the balls on Edwardio’s early opening. You can put your balls on it!

World Cup score predictions – Friday June 13th

Mexico v Cameroon, 17:00

A game with massive reaper cushions for both sides, and one that could yet be settled by whoever shows up better out of Premier League duo Cheech Dorito and Sam Yuletto.

What’s that? Dorito probably won’t start, you say? Doss Santos, you say? Wasn’t he the lad at Spurs who went on loan to Ipswich?

Aye, that’s him. Top, top, top, top player. Top.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Yuletto and Dosser Santos. You can lace a boot with it!

Spain v Holland, 20:00

What a titonic tossil we have in shop here! It’s a repeat of the 2010 World Cup final, in which Anders Innie-Esther’s extra time goal proved divisive.

Both sides are packed with dangerous players – Chavvy, Silver Dave, Robin Arjen, Robin van Dutchlad – but I don’t see either getting as far as the final this time.

Especially after this tents ink counter.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Dayglo Costa and Wes Snidely. You can gut a trout with it!

Chile v Australia, 23:00

How’s this for a titonic tossil? Pretty darn titonic, since you ask – and you don’t.

Good to see Kim Tayhill still lining the lead for the Soccerooneys, but Chile are being talked of as black horses and should have too much pie flour on the day.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Sexist Alanchez and Arthur Vital. You can shell a nut with it!

Those were my World Cup score predictions for June 12th & 13th. Place your balls, now!