I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion without suckthumbing to relegatio.
Now, on with my Premier League predictions!
Tottenham Hotspur v Chelsea, 12:45
This is a right old clash of the Tituses! Spurs are literally flying at the moment, but Josie Moutinho’s Chelsea can never be dismissed out of pocket.
I expect both sides to mound a serious tidal challenge this season, so this one could turn out to be a real point-sixer.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest for Bobby Soldodo and Mickey Hazard. You can put your balls on it!
Aston Villa v Man City, 15:00
Paul Lambo’s men got back to winning wise with a momento 1-0 win at my old side Norwich last time out, but City are a different kettle of balls altogether.
Guero Asergio, Yoyo Torres and Nasir Samri looked on top vorm in the Manchester Derby County, so I expect them to have too much pie flour for Villa.
Mystic Megson says: 1-3 – Asergio, Alvo Negrodo and Ferdinandininho putting the balls on Andy Whybird’s early opening. You can lace a boot with it!
Fulham v Cardiff City, 15:00
It’s 18th v 16th in a real relegatio point-sixer!
Jolly Martin and Malko McFlurry might both find themselves in a dogbite this season, but I expect both to ferment their sides’ place at the table top.
With pie flour like Bent Darren, Davatar Berbasnoff, Campbell Frasier and Dave Bellamy to call upon, I can’t see either the Cottages or the Bluebells slipping through the flap door.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Berbasnoff for the homos, Gary Mental for the awayos. You can gut a trout with it!
Hull City v West Ham United, 15:00
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil!
Bruce Steven’s Lions will be literally flying after their win at Newcastle last time out, but Sam Furrydice’s men are no pullovers.
With Bobby Bradley and Pavel Morrisons firing on all cillit bang, this could end up being a tale of two fieldmiddlers.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 Hull – Sono Aloko with the only goal of feenly caught contesto. You can shell a nut with it!
Manchester United v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00
Moyles’s men were comprehensively disgruntled at City last time out, but their indignification will be tempoed somewhat by the return of Robin van Dutchlad.
My old side the Baggles got back to winning wise with a 3-0 demolitio job of Sunderland, putting Pablo Deep Panio out of a job in the protest.
Can they claim their steak for a third consneckutive half-top finish? I wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – van Dutchlad and Wayne Rodney with a goal a priest. You can smash a pumpkin with it!
Southampton v Crystal Palace, 15:00
No one could have predicted that Maurice Pockets’s men would come away from Anfield with all point three – er, except me, even though I didn’t predict it.
The Saints’ rightguard is looking tighter than the mother-in-law at Christmas, which is bad news for Ollie Hillaway’s Seagulls – they face an uphill garden, and I can’t forsell anything other than a grim battle against the plop.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Rickie Lambo with an absolute wonderscream. You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!
Swansea City v Arsenal, 17:30
Brian Laudrup’s Swannies are in a rich vein of vorm, that’s for absolute certainty. The lad Mixu’s back among the goals, while Bony Wilf has settled in a treat.
Arsenal Wengo’s men have won seven consneckutive games, with Muzzy Ozzle looking a useful edition.
The Gunnies carry a pungent attacking threat, but I can see Swansea savaging a point.
Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Mixu and Wilf for the homos, Ollie Giro and Alan Ramsey for the awayos. You can bully a wasp with it!
Stoke City v Norwich City, 13:30
What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be! Two sides looking to backbounce from humouriliating defeats last time out, two managers with a proof to point.
The ‘Kin Hairies are more than capable of keeping their sheet clean with that Ruddy goalkeeper of theirs, but I fancy Hark Muse’s Potties to take advantage of home, er, advantage.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Walt Johnson and Kremlyn Jones putting the balls on Richie von Winkelwolf’s early opening. You can wash your balls with it!
Sunderland v Liverpool, 16:00
Pablo Deep Panio may be gone, but his legacy lives on – his signings Manual Jackanory and Valentino Roberg scored a goal a priest to take the Black Hatters through to the next round of the League Cup at Peteborough’s expenditure.
Rodger Brenderson’s side will be looking to backbounce from their humouriliating defeat at home to Southampton last time out, and they’ve got the racism lad back to help along their four-top aspirinations.
Will it be a titonic tossil? I wouldn’t pull it out.
Mystic Megson says:
Everton v Newcastle United, 20:00
Rummelo Lokoko and Luke Rennie – who will score more? I reckon the winner will, er, win.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Lokuckoo and Rennie with goals a priest. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
I’ve been Mystic Megson, and those are my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!