I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).

Now put your balls on this lot, lads – my Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly!

Saturday

Manchester City v Everton, 12:45

Manford Pellegrino will be teething after last week’s 3-2 defeat at Aston Villa, but his indignification will be tempoed somewhat by the imperial form of Yoyo Torres.

With Luke Kaku and Boss Rarkley firing on all cillit bang, Martin Robertez’s Toffles carry a pungent attacking threat. I expect them to claim their steak for a four-top finish.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Edwin Decko and Alvo Negrodo. You can put your balls on it!

Cardiff City v Newcastle United, 15:00

Malko McFlurry’s Bluebells secured a momento victory at Fulham last time out, but they still face an uphill garden if they’re to avoid a relegatio dogbite.

Newcastle were comprehensively disgruntled at Godson Park on Monday night, so Alan Lampard will be looking to stick it to the doubtfires. Having Yohan Cabby back in the folder will be a shot in the leg.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Campbell Frasier for the homos, Artem Ben Haffer for the awayos. You can lace a boot with it!

Fulham v Stoke City, 15:00

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Jolly Martin’s job is on the lino, but with Davatar Berbasnoff and Barren Dent he’s got no shortage of pie flour at his dispersal.

Hark Muse’s moneyhoon period came crashing to a Holt with defeat at home to Norwich last time out – I still think they can upset the apple cartridge though, especially if they can get Jermaine Pedant fit and flaming.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest for Berbasnoff and Crouching Pete. You can gut a trout with it!

Hull City v Aston Villa, 15:00

Bruce Steven’s Lions look like they could be this season’s surprise packaging – they’ve won two consneckutive games, and they look nothing if not braziliant.

Villa will be literally flying after beating City last time out. I can see Paul Lambo restorming them to formal glories, and I don’t say that brightly.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Bobby Brady and Hum Toddlestone for the homos, Andy Whybird and Vlon Raar for the awayos. You can shell a nut with it!

Liverpool v Crystal Palace, 15:00

Lewis Swales and Danny Burridge look mugnificent working in tandy, which has to bode well for Rodger Brenderson’s men in terms of mounding a tidal challenge. They’ll be a horn in the side of the topdogs and no mistunk.

As for Ollie Hillaway’s Seagulls, I can’t forssell anything other than a grim battle against the plop. They’re already anguishing at the table bottom, so they face a haunting task. I hope they’ve got a bottle for it.

Mystic Megson says: 4-0 – Swales and Burridge sharing the soils. You can smash a pumpkin with it!

Sunderland v Manchester United, 17:30

The Black Hatters need to stop the grot, and quickly – last week’s comprehensive disgruntling at the hands of Liverpool leaves them on one point, so whoever replaces Pablo Deep Panio will have to pull off the whodunnit act.

Dave Moyles is taking belters for the Dead Revels’ humouriliating start to the season – he really needs to mark his stamp on procedures with more authorodox, although much will deep end on the form of Robin van Dutchlad.

Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Wayne Rodney and van Dutchlad putting the balls on Manny Jackanory’s early opening. You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!

Sunday

Norwich City v Chelsea, 13:30

The ‘Kin Hairies got back to winning wise with a nymphatic 1-0 win at Stoke last time out, and I expect them to go on to claim their steak for an unlikely Zooropa League spot. Chris Hooper’s a prude operator, so you should never dismiss them out of pocket.

Chelsea have got plenty of talons in their squad, but like everyone else I can’t phantom Josie Moutinho’s thinking in letting go of Luke Kaku. Jonny Matter can open up defences like the wife opens up tins of peas, so he needs to be playing week out, week in.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Lamp Frankard with an absolute wonderscream. You can bully a wasp with it!

Southampton v Swansea City, 13:30

What a start the Saints have made – they really could be this season’s surprise packet. Their defence is as tight as the mother-in-law at Chrimbo, so if Ricky Lambo keeps firing on all cillit bang then there’s no telling how far they can blow.

Brian Laudrup will have been disappointing with the 2-0 defeat to Arsenal last time out, but this is a golden earache for the Swannies. That win in Valencia was literally magic, and going foreword they’ve got the jollity to unblock any rightguard.

This one’s got 0-0 written all over its face.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can wash your balls with it!

Tottenham Hotspur v West Ham United, 16:00

Andre Boa-Constricto’s men look nothing if not imperial – they’ve started like a fiery house, and they’re still yet to see the best from new signings like Eric Christianson, Nasser Chadwick and Edwin Capoopoo.

Things haven’t been going quite as smoothily for Sam Furrydice’s side, but I’m sure they’ll manage to clear steer of rubble. His methods are a proven recipe for Sussex, although when it doesn’t work it can leave a bitter paste.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – goals a priest for Manger Deffo and Gylfi Signatursson Sigaretsson the Icelandic lad. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

West Bromwich Albion v Arsenal, 16:00

What a result for my beloved Baggles at Cold Stafford last time out! The likes of Saddo Beanio and Morgan Amalficoast Amalfabettispaghetti the French lad are really snapturing the imagined Asian, and anything looks plausible.

What is there to say about Arsenal that hasn’t been said already? Well, I suppose I’d need a list of all the things that have been said about them to answer that. Can they win the tidal? It’s not beyond the elms of possibility.

Mystic Megson says: 1-3 – Vic Anchovy for the homos, Alun Rammstein, Ollie Giro and Mozzy Ozzle for the awayos. You can smell a rat with it!

Those were my Premier League Predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!