I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).

Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…

Saturday

Newcastle United v Chelsea, 12:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! The Magpiles need to backbounce from their defeat in the Wyne-Tear derby, but Chelsea have been looking imperial of late.

I can see this one going right down to the wireless, so I hope both sides have got a bottle for it.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Lamp Frankard with an absolute piles driver. You can put your balls on it!

Fulham v Manchester United, 15:00

Jolly Martin is in despot need a victory – the cutlery’s out for him, and no mistunk – but I can’t see it coming against Moylesey’s in-vorm United side.

They’re not out of the tidal race, and that’s for absolute certainty.

Mystic Megson says: 1-3 – Wayne Rodney (2) and Robin van Dutchlad claiming all point three for the Dead Revels, Davatar Berbasnoff claiming a consolatio against his former chargers. You can lace a boot with it!

Hull City v Sunderland, 15:00

Bruce Stevens will be teething after controvertical defeats at Everton and Spurs, and their braziliance is sure to be tested by a Black Hatters side fresh from a monumento victory.

Just like Paolo Deep Panio before him, Pus Goyet has got off to a floater with a win in the derby. Now he needs to prove himself to be less mentalistic.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest for Nicky Sogba and Fletch Stevens. You can gut a trout with it!

Manchester City v Norwich City, 15:00

They may have come untucked at Chelsea last time out, but City should have too much pie flour for Chris Hooper’s struggling ‘Kin Hairies.

As much as I’d like to see my old side claim all point three, City carry a pungent attacking threat and that should be enough for a nymphatic win.

Mystic Megson says: 4-0 – a hattrick for Guero Asergio and one for Yoyo Torres. You can shell a nut with it!

Stoke City v Southampton, 15:00

What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be! Maurice Pockets may not speak English goodly but he’s got his side well organisated – Hark Muse’s Potties will have to hardwork to bake them down.

I love it when teams in red stripes play each other.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can smash a pumpkin with it!

West Bromwich Albion v Crystal Palace, 15:00

My old side the Baggles were comprehensively disgruntled at Liverpool last time out, so a home game against the table’s bottom side is just what the octor dordered.

If I were Palace, I’d be getting Tony Lupis in immediately – he’s a proper bloke, and that counts for a lot in elite football managering.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Vicky Anchovy and Morgan Amalficoast Amalvitamintablet the French lad putting the balls on Dwight Dale’s early opening. You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!

West Ham United v Aston Villa, 15:00

Sam Furrydice’s men are looking more solidified at the rear, but Paul Lambo’s lot have had a fruity time of it on their travels.

This could go any which way, and I don’t say that brightly.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Christian Bentheskey with a bullish header. You can bully a wasp with it!

Arsenal v Liverpool, 17:30

Two of the table top’s most in-vorm sides come face-to-face at the Emirati in what promises to be a titonic tossil of gargoyletuan proportios.

With so much talons on either side, I can only forssell a Sky-whoring draw.

Mystic Megson says: 3-3 – Ollie Giro, Alun Ramsey and Muzzy Ozzle for the homos, Louis Swales (2) and Daniel Burridge for the awayos. You can wash your balls with it!

Sunday

Everton v Tottenham Hotspur, 13:30

Two sides who will hope to be claiming their steak for a four-top finish come eye-to-eye at Godson Park, where Martin Robertez’s Toffles have been nothing short of indominoble.

Andre Boa-Constricto’s men need to blunder more goals, but it won’t come easy against Sylvia Distance and Phil Jaguarka Jelagielk the England lad.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Luke Kaku and Bobby Soldodo. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Cardiff City v Swansea City, 16:00

It’s the first all-Walesish match in Premier League history!

Both sides have looked squalid enough, but I can see Malko McFlurry’s men being dragged into a relegatio dogbite. Brian Laudrup’s Swannies to nick it at the dearth.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Mixu with an absolute wonderscream. You can smell a rat with it!

Those were my Premier League Predictions for this weekend. Enjoy the footy, lads!