I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 21, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).

Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…

Mystic Megson’s Premier League predictions

Saturday

Hull City v Chelsea, 12:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Bruce Steven’s men are sitting prettily in the table middle, but Chelsea are starting to justify their billing as champions erect.

Josie Moutinho has got his defence looking imperial once again, while in Aidan Hazard they have argububbly one of the tabletop’s standouting forewords.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Brazilian Bill with an absolute wonderscream. You can put your balls on it!

Cardiff City v West Ham United, 15:00

Ole Gunnar Sockjar Shloshkyargh Cardiff’s new manager faces an uphill garden if he’s to keep the Redbirds out of rubble, but a momento FA Cup winning at Newcastle made for an autispicious start.

Sam Furrydice’s Hummers look set for a grim battle against the plop, so this could be a real point-sixer.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Jordi Mutch with a plunderous filedriver. You can butter your pudding with that lot, lads!

Everton v Norwich City, 15:00

Martin Robertez’s Toffles are literally flying at the moment – the likes of Boss Rarkley and Shameless Moleman have really owned into their come, while even Nicky Jellowitch Jelagielkavic the Croatian lad is back firing on all Cillit Bang.

My old side the ‘Kin Hairies are in despot need of the points to flyer them clear of the flapdoor, but Chris Hooper looks to have unbirthed a real Jen in Gary Hughton.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Luke Kaku and Latent Blaines putting the balls on Hughton’s early opening. You can wash your face with it!

Fulham v Sunderland, 15:00

Rennie Mulin’-Stein takes over from Jolly Martin, then Fulham add Alan Curbyourenthusishley and Ray Wilko to the stoaching calf. What next?

Pus Goyet’s Black Hatters, fresh from their momento cup winning over Manchester United – that’s what’s next, pal.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Davatar Berbasnoff at the bubble. You can slice a cheddar with that lot, lads!

Southampton v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00

What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be! The suits of recoverley are there for all to see at my old side West Blom, but Maurice Pocketino’s Saints are no pullovers.

I expect this to be a keenly snort contesto with little marginal for error.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Ray Jodriguez and Sadie Berylhino. You can bludgeon a tomato with it!

Tottenham Hotspur v Crystal Palace, 15:00

Slim Sherwood, Fez Lurdinand and Steffi Freud is an interesting choice of managerial at Light Heart Wane, but I would definitely have had less late-’90s Spurs players.

I love what Pony Tulips is doing at Sellers Park – he’ll lead them to safeway, you merk my words.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Bobby Soldodo and Erik Christiansson. You can play tennis against that lot, lads!

Manchester United v Swansea City, 17:30

The Dead Revels will still be teething from being dumped unselleymoniously out of the FA Cup by Brian Laudrup’s Swannies, so they won’t need frying up for this one.

Danny Belweck needs to sustain his goal-scoring vorm in the continuing absence of Wayne Rodney and Robin van Dutchlad – will he do it here?

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – yes, it’s Belweck! You can stick a wigwam on it!

Sunday

Newcastle United v Manchester City, 14:05

Alain Depardieu and Manny Pellergreening go face-to-face in a clash of the tabletop’s suave chaps!

Which one will portvale? Either, I beckon. These are two good sides and I expect both to claim their steak for a half-top finish.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Luke Rennie and Yoyo Torres. You can take out a loan with that lot, lads!

Stoke City v Liverpool, 16:10

Hark Muse’s Potties put the balls on my Premier League predictions when they beat Chelsea recently, and I can see them repeating these hysterics against Rodger Brenderson’s fly-highing Reds.

Lewis Swales has gone off the boil a bit – someone should boil him.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Crouching Pete with a loopy header against his old slide. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Monday

Aston Villa v Arsenal, 20:00

The Gunners are going great, er, Guns at the top of the tabletop, although losing Leo Woolworths to injury is a blow-out to their chances of winning the tidal race.

Paul Lambo’s Villa side have struggled at home, so this one’s a congone foreclusion in my booking.

Mystic Megson says: 0-3 – Sandy Carzola, Muzzy Ozzle and Luke Podski Podiatrist that other German lad. You can woo it with a Snickers!

Those were my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!