This week on Jonny Forumer, Internet Hard Man v Football Writers on Twitter, Jonny takes on Henry Winter, Ronnie Irani, Neil Custis and Ian Abrahams…
Allow me to introduce myself – I’m Jonny Forumer, Internet Hard Man, and I’ve just about had it up to here with football writers on twitter tweeting absolute twaddle. I’m sure to always give the bone-idle blerts a piece of my mind, which has proved instrumental in my retention of the Keyboard Warrior world title from 1998 through to the present day. Basically, you’d have to be a sodding lunatic to take me on.
In the mean time, yelp with affright as I lay siege to the following journalists…
Henry Winter, Telegraph
Bentekers. Great goal for #avfc. Fine cross from the left from Bennett and cool finish from Benteke. 1-0.
— Henry Winter (@henrywinter) January 22, 2013
“Bentekers”?
You utter ponce.
Greg O’Keefe, Liverpool Echo
Train ticket collector is pure loving life. Owned carriage by greeting Chinese passenger in Mandarin &offered to wake another up at his stop
— Greg O’Keeffe (@GregOK) January 22, 2013
“Pure loving life”? “Owned”? How old are you? Or are you trying to be ironic?
You cretinous creep.
Ian Abrahams, talkSPORT
Barcelona 5-1 Osasuna – 4 goals for Mr Messi – new year same old Lionel
— Ian Abrahams (@BroadcastMoose) January 27, 2013
Do you see yourself as having free rein to use that “new year, same old” construction every January? Seeing as you saw fit to post that on January 27th, I’m also assume that you consider the entire duration of January to be fair game.
Are you incapable of communicating in anything other than football correspondent autospeak?
New year, same old Ian Abrahams.
Berk.
Ian Abrahams, talkSPORT
Another hour, another managerial casualty – Keith Curle’s been sacked as Notts Co manager
— Ian Abrahams (@BroadcastMoose) February 3, 2013
Another minute, another “Alan Partridge For Beginners” tutorial from Ian Abrahams of much-loved idiot magnet talkSPORT.
What an absolute biohazard he is.
Ian Abrahams, talkSPORT
How will English Football remember this guy’s 2 and a half year cameo in the Premier League? twitter.com/BroadcastMoose…
— Ian Abrahams (@BroadcastMoose) January 29, 2013
Couldn’t you just write ‘Balotelli’?
Ian Abrahams, talkSPORT
Tottenham goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes is closing in on a loan move to Hoffenheim
— Ian Abrahams (@BroadcastMoose) January 31, 2013
My finger is ‘closing in on’ the off switch whenever you come on the radio.
Arf!
Ian Abrahams, talkSPORT
Sources close to the player say Beckham has made the decision to go to PSG after considering lucrative offers from around the world.
— Ian Abrahams (@BroadcastMoose) January 31, 2013
“Sources close to the player” – don’t try and dress it up as an exclusive, pretty much everyone on Twitter had already posted words to that effect by the time you came wallying along.
Dog sick for brains, you.
Ian Abrahams, talkSPORT
This season there have been 34 managerial changes and 10 since Jan 1st, who’d want to be a football manager
— Ian Abrahams (@BroadcastMoose) February 3, 2013
Er…everyone. Including you, I should wager.
Nincompoop.
Ian Abrahams, talkSPORT
I haven’t seen the Popov sending off, but will later – obviously a game changing incident
— Ian Abrahams (@BroadcastMoose) February 3, 2013
Thanks for the update, you spoon. Yours is the first counsel I always seek, so please beam the Ian Abrahams sign into the sky once you’ve had a chance to look at it.
No, really. I mean it.
Do it.
Ronnie Irani, talkSPORT
I think teams like Bradford have given other teams hope for sure @miookt
— Ronnie Irani (@RonnieIrani1) January 28, 2013
Yes, I dare say they have.
You twonk.
Henry Winter, Telegraph
Strip away all the hype & branding around Beckham & there’s just a bloke who loves playing football, 37 going on 17. Good luck to him at PSG
— Henry Winter (@henrywinter) January 31, 2013
How obsequious was that? Euch. I feel degraded just having read that.
Bore off, you slime ball.
Darren Fletcher, 5Live
It you’re on your way to Paris and fancy a trip to the circus don’t worry – the one featuring David Beckham is about to roll into town
— Darren Fletcher (@fletch5live) January 31, 2013
Why would you suddenly fancy a trip to the circus if you were in Paris? What’s wrong with you?
Leave me alone.
Jonathan Wilson, Guardian
Lightning flashes, raining heavily over hills beyond stadium. The question is, can Eagles fly in a storm?
— Jonathan Wilson (@jonawils) February 3, 2013
“Can eagles fly in a storm?”
That’s it, I’m out of here.
Wait, here comes Custis – I’m sticking around for this.
Neil Custis, The S*n
Glad to see everyone is ok with what Hazard did, unbelievable!
— Neil Custis (@ncustisTheSun) January 23, 2013
“Ubelieveable!”? You sound like a teenage girl throwing a hissy fit.
Neil Custis, The S*n
Oh right he’s over 16 so that’s ok then
— Neil Custis (@ncustisTheSun) January 23, 2013
Are you actually Vicky Pollard now?
Neil Custis, The S*n
Can’t b bothered with this anymore so many people think its ok to kick a kid trying to waste time u r unbelievable
— Neil Custis (@ncustisTheSun) January 23, 2013
We “r (sic)” unbelievable? You’re the journalist using text speak.
Go boil your head, and suck on a lemon while you’re doing it.
Twazzock.
Sam Wallace, Independent
Wow, a few people on my mentions defending Hazard kicking out at the ball-boy. To all of you, I feel sorry for your kids …
— Sam Wallace (@SamWallaceIndy) January 23, 2013
Yes, Sam – every one of those people is persistently kicking the absolute stuffing out of their own children. That is what is happening here.
You complete and utter queg. Get lost.
And you.
Tune in again soon for more from Jonny Forumer, Internet Hard Man v Football Writers on Twitter!