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Ronaldo v Zlatan: why neither could defeat a python

We're not talking about John Cleese or Michael Palin - we're talking five metres of slithery Burmese misery.

Ronaldo v Zlatan v snake
We think the python would suffocate Ronaldo first

Cristiano Ronaldo v Zlatan Ibrahimovic, hmm? It’s enough to make your mouth and eyes water.

The planet’s two most in-form stars will come up against each other as Portugal take on Sweden over two legs for a place at this summer’s World Cup in Brazil.

That’s right – take them on right there and then, over two legs. Hmm? Hmm.

Ronaldo and Zlatan are making statisticians their bitches with goal after goal of relentless aceness – but could either of them defeat a python?

It’s a question that’s dogged their respective careers from the very outset: yes they’ve been successful at club level, but have either of them ever really wrestled and defeated an adult python?

And we’re not talking about John Cleese or Michael Palin here – we’re talking five metres of slithery Burmese misery.

No such doubts can be cast on their club careers, with Ronaldo and Ibrahimovic proving pivotal, instrumental and downright talismanic for Real Madrid and Paris Saint-Germain respectively.

At international level, however, things don’t look quite as clever – only 50 per cent of them will be at this summer’s World Cup, although this is offset by the impending presence of the remaining 50 per cent.

Moreover, neither has defeated a grizzly bear in an arena of the bear’s choosing.

Presumably the bear would opt for the woods, although you ought to legislate for mavericks.

In conclusion, Cristiano Ronaldo v Zlatan Ibrahimovic would be even cooler if they chucked a few scorpions in there too.

Good night.

Addendum: If you arrived on this page looking for an actual explanation as to why neither Ronaldo nor Zlatan could defeat a python, we apologise.

We don’t know a whole lot about pythons, but one of those big ones would probably win, right?

More: Paris Saint-Germain Portugal Real Madrid Sweden