It’s the new Roy Keane book that’s got everyone asking, “Oh boy, who’s he slagging off now?” – and the answer may surprise one or two people.
The former Manchester United and Republic of Ireland midfielder, hirsute, has launched a stinging attack on himself for comments he made in his previous book, the controversially titled Take That Ya C**t.
Keane had intimated in his first tome that he had:
- Intentionally set out to injure his erstwhile nemesis, former Manchester City defender Alf-Inge Haaland
- Labelled his international manager Mick McCarthy a “feckin’ eejit” and a “total bollix”
- Punched a lion in the face during a family visit to Dublin Zoo
- Shouted at a tree until it fell over and crushed John O’Shea’s car
However, extracts published this morning from his second autobiography, the controversially titled Yer All Maggots, the Lot of Yiz, saw Keane aim savage broadsides at himself.
He scribbled: “I was disappointed with my comments and I wasn’t shy about letting myself know it.
“‘Yer makin’ a holy show of yerself, ya banjaxed gobaloon!’ I hollered at myself in a mirror, over and over again, pausing occasionally to reignite a home-made effigy of Alex Ferguson that I sculpted out of bacon.
“I was angry at what a splutterin’ gobsheen I’d been, but I was even angrier at the world for winding me up into making those sh*tehawk comments.
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“So I hit myself, hard. ‘Take that, ya bleedin’ melt.’ Then I phoned Haaland to apologise, even though I wasn’t sorry, which just confused me more.
“Confusion makes me hungry. Hunger makes me angry. I was ragin’, so I hit myself, hard, again. ‘Take that, ya gash-faced poxbottle.’
“Whose phone is that? Aren’t you going to answer that? Switch it off now or I’ll end ya.”
There was no phone.
The new Roy Keane book will be made available soon as a series of strongly worded handwritten letters bound together with a rusty nail.