Liverpool history has once again been airbrushed to exclude any inconvenient unpleasantness, it has been confirmed.
According to Reds boss Brendan Rodgers, the Anfield club shall henceforth be known for having “quite an extensive code of conduct for players and staff [with] no specific one for any one individual”.
Speaking apparently with a straight face, Rodgers put his fingers in his ears and sang “You’ll Never Walk Alone” at the top of his voice when asked how all this applied to Luis Suárez.
As Rodgers reached the stirringly climactic titular refrain and thrust a red scarf aloft, several hundred thousand supporters glanced at their shared hymn sheet and set us all straight on the updated Liverpool history.
They chorused: “What your question demonstrates is a clear anti-Liverpool agenda in the media.
“We know you’re all looking to shoot us down after our achievement in landing world class striking talent Mario Balotelli, who by the way shall be forced to abide by the values and ethics that have run for so many years through this football club.
“But we shall rise above it by covering ourselves head to toe in badges and making weird banners featuring inspiring quotes, preferably in Latin, appropriated from popular culture.
“After all, Liverpool Football Club has always been the single most admirable and revered entity in the known universe, and when we say that it automatically makes it true.
“Now curb your anti-Liverpool bias and acknowledge our supreme morality.”
The next in-house revision of Liverpool history shall take place next week with a view to retroactively instating Nelson Mandela as their goalkeeper for the 2005 Champions League final.