Queens Park Rangers defender Anton Ferdinand is set to snub Chelsea counterpart John Terry in quite spectacular fashion, according to a number of completely unfounded reports.
The Rio Ferdinand substitute, an Aquarius, is believed to be still really rather miffed by Terry’s decision to label him a “slack runt” during a dispute between the two players when QPR beat their west London rivals 1-0 at Loftus Road in October.
Although Ferdinand has not publically commented as of yet, the media has been full of speculation as to whether or not he will shake the former England captain’s hand when the two sides meet again in the FA Cup on Saturday – and Football Burp is here to set the record straight.
According to our sources – we can’t tell you who or what they are, just trust us – Ferdinand intends to respond to Terry’s offer of a shake by unveiling and subsequently fondling an array of repellent items as a very public demonstration of what he would rather touch than the end of his opponent’s outstretched arm.
First, Ferdinand will delve into a box by his feet and remove a succession of rotted foodstuffs, each of which he shall knead like dough with his bare palms while staring Terry dead in the eye as if to say: “This is still less disgusting than shaking your hand.”
Football Burp understands that Ferdinand has also spent this week stockpiling soiled nappies, snotty tissues and Nickleback CDs, while it has been claimed that if Terry still persists in offering his hand after all of this then he is quite prepared to manually pleasure a live pig in the centre circle, for as long as it takes, just to leave the Chelsea captain in absolutely no doubt whatsoever that he has just been insulted.
Someone from a newspaper said: “Okay, point taken, but ours was way more believable.”