Liverpool spokesperson Steven Gerrard has accused Everton of being child-killing satanic space lizards, in what is already being described as an astonishing rant.
Gerrard, newly installed as the Reds’ director of communications in place of the outgoing Jen Chang, also described David Moyes’s high-flying Toffees as “more agricultural and one-dimensional than a child’s drawing of a farm” in between hearty gulps of brandy straight from the bottle.
When presented with a set of statistics from Sunday’s 2-2 Merseyside derby draw at Goodison Park, the England midfielder hiccupped loudly and embarked on a semi-unintelligible grumble the gist of which appeared to be the ability to “prove anything with facts”.
He continued: “Okay, so Everton had 56% of possession, made more passes, had a higher percentage of accurate ones and a lower percentage of long balls, but to be fair they still killed hundreds of children in satanic rituals conducted with Ted Heath, who by the way was also a space lizard.
“If David Moyes was a real man then he’d come out in public and accept the blame for both that and Phil Neville diving, because – and I can’t stress this enough – your captain should never be diving, ever…
“…and never has, for that matter. That one you’re thinking of, I wasn’t diving, I was trying to avoid injury.
“Yes, and that one too, avoiding injury. Pardon? Yes, and that one.
“And that one.”
He added: “And that one.”
Gerrard’s England teammate Phil Jagielka defended his Toffees side off the pitch as well as on it, pointing out that although they do sometimes play long balls, it is only part of a game plan that allows them to, you know, mix it up and that.
He said: “I’d say Steven was passing the buck, but he’d only overhit it and send it flying into the stands.”