An Idiot Guide to… the Scotland national football team

Did you know that Robert Snodgrass got his distinctive surname from a mixture of Buckfast, brown sauce and puréed potato scones?

This is what a Scotland does (Image: Rennett Stowe)

Tonight, England take on the Scotland national football team – but where is Scotland, and what happens there?

We’re here to answer all those questions and more with our Idiot Guide to the Scotland national football team.

(Not to be confused with the An Idiot’s Guide series, of course. That’s a completely different brand altogether.)

The first thing you need to know about Scotland – pronounced Scott-lund – is that it’s not as far away as you think. In fact, it’s right on top of England.

You might want to think of Scotland as being like England’s hat. “Good morning!” England might say to you cheerfully, while doffing its Scotland to you.

People from Scotland are known as Scots (not to be confused with scotch, the national drink) and the national language is Scottish.

In the more prosperous areas of Scotland, the average life expectancy can rise as high as 53 – however, the rampant alcoholism and frequent cliff faces mean that accidental suicide is rife.

Did you know that Wimbledon champion Andy Murray comes from Scotland? Amaze your friends by telling them this.

Now that you know a little bit more about this fascinating country, let’s talk you through some of the key players of the Scotland national football team, known also as “The Tart Tsunami” (nobody seems to be quite sure why this is)…

Steven Naismith (Everton)

The tenacious forward was a sensation during his first season in the Premier League, scoring three goals and sitting on over a dozen benches.

Described as a “tenacious forward”, by us just now, the Scotland international is renowned for burning easily and requires factor 50 sunblock even at Christmas.

Despite now plying his trade at Goodison Park, Naismith remains a much-loved figure amongst supporters of his former club Rangers.

Kenny Miller (Vancouver Whitecaps)

A pacy forward who knows where the goal is, as long as you point it out to him beforehand or at least describe roughly what it looks like.

Miller will be a familiar face to fans of Wolves, Derby and Cardiff – but it’s the SPL where he prospered the most, scoring three hundred thousand goals for Rangers during his two spells at Ibrox.

It’s no wonder they call him “the scourge of Kilmarnock and Dunfermline”.

Charlie Adam (Stoke City)

Apparently some kind of playmaker, Adam will be hoping that he is granted more opportunities to make play at the Britannia now that glorified rowing instructor Tony Pulis has hung up his baseball cap and toy megaphone.

The Scotland international’s ability has been noted by the likes of Sir Alex Ferguson, who once famously referred to the Scotland international as “is he the balding lad who takes all the set pieces?”

It’s no wonder they call him “the balding lad who takes all the set pieces”.

Robert Snodgrass (Norwich City)

This Scotland international is widely regarded as East Anglia’s most natural out-and-out winger, unless of course you count the many babies in the area to have been born with actual wings.

A Scotland international, Snodgrass got his distinctive surname from a mixture of Buckfast, brown sauce and puréed potato scones.

Those square ones you get sometimes.

James Morrison (West Bromwich Albion)

As well as achieving international success with his distinctive brand of drab acoustic singer/songwriter balladry, the Scotland international is also a lynchpin of Steve Clarke’s Baggies side.

Often described as “James Morrison”, James Morrison is understood to be no relation to Clinton Morrison, or the singer Mark Morrison.

He might however be related to Reading’s Sean Morrison or have some kind of involvement with the Morrison’s chain of supermarkets. We’ll look into that.

Meet the boss… Gordon Strachan

Voted Most Scottish Man in the Universe on seven non-consecutive occasions, Strachan shot to prominence while saying something vaguely witty in an aggressive manner.

Bearing the permanent expression of a man who thinks you’ve just a) spilled his pint, b) looked at him funny, c) insulted his mother, or d) all of the above, the former Scotland international is a no-nonsense character who is said to have never once taken nonsense over the course of his entire career.

So little does he care for nonsense.

Now that you know more about the Scotland national football team, why not impress your colleagues and friends by telling them all about it?