You can eat one more player before you go, FA tell Luis Suárez

Luis Suárez and Sylvain Distin
Suárez has not yet ruled out eating Everton’s Sylvain Distin (Image: Ruaraidh Gillies)

Liverpool talent Luis Suárez has been granted a final meal of one more player before he moves on to the next media hell of his own creation, the FA has confirmed.

The meal, final, shall consist of one current Premier League player of the Uruguayan’s choosing, with speculation mounting that there is to be some kind of racist element behind his decision.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, an FA spokesperson said that the complimentary feeding is their way of apologising for all the bans they gave him, which they can now see were “really harsh and almost definitely a conspiracy, thanks to all the Liverpool supporters for pointing that out”.

She (did that surprise you? Well, did it?) said: “In the interests of avoiding any unseemly murdering, we do ask that Mr Suárez specify both the player and body part he would like to eat.

“At this stage, we cannot say whether Mr Suárez shall opt again for the bicep of Ivanovic or try something new.”

She added: “We do remind Mr Suárez that the rump of Ivanovic remains up for grabs.”