The impending third World War has been implored to keep its grubby mitts off the 2014-15 fixture list, according to reports such as this one.

With tensions escalating almost daily in the Middle East, the Crimea, Syria, Nigeria and pretty much anywhere else you could care to mention, a sequel to World Wars I and II would appear to be very much on the cards.

Odds on renewed global conflict were sent tumbling yesterday as news broke of Steven Spielberg snapping up the rights to all dramatised biopics featuring modern-day military figures delivering impassioned soliloquies while gazing into the horizon, their backs turned inexplicably to everyone else present.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Alan, a football fan from Royal Tunbridge Wells, pleaded with mounting worldwide hostilities not to get in the way of what promises to be a bloody exciting season.

He said: “This could be the most open Premier League season in donkey’s years.

“Wouldn’t it be bloody typical for a World War to break out just as Louis van Gaal comes to the Premier League to do battle with Wenger, Mourinho and Pellegrini?

“Then there’s La Liga – I’d much rather watch Messi, Suárez and Neymar take on Ronaldo, Bale and Rodríguez than fight in the front line against a battalion of Russian loons.

“Even Celtic look sufficiently rubbish to open up the possibility of competition in the Scottish Premier League.

“I’d hate to miss Inverness Caledonian Thistle winning the league because I had to lay down my life in the interests of trade agreements.”