Millions of heterosexual men around the world were today kicking themselves for having spent all these years watching footballers they couldn’t simultaneously perve over.
The millions, men, are said to be still “reeling” after the massive dawning realisation that all this time spent watching dour 1-0 home defeats to Gillingham could have been alleviated by having players to yell at who don’t look like a slightly less ugly version of themselves.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Alan the Scouser said he was impressed by how many Everton players there were in the Great Britain women’s team.
He said: “I’d heard that Everton’s ladies were meant to be good but every time I looked at the league table they were always somewhere around the middle having played about seven games less than the teams at the top.
“On Wednesday, the men’s team take on AEK Athens for Tony Hibbert’s testimonial. Now I love Hibbo and feel that he richly deserves this night after a decade of loyal service at Goodison Park, but he looks like someone fashioned a plimsoll out of Vladimir Putin’s face.
“That Jill Scott on the other hand – I’d gladly polish her medals. Fnar!”
Dave the Brummie said: “Sod football altogether – I’m going to see if I can’t trade in my season ticket at St Andrew’s for a place on the travelling support staff of the Dutch women’s hockey team.
“I’d gladly, er, smash my puck into, y’know, whatever they call the goals…in that game.”
He added: “Fnar!”