Wolfmonkey does wee on pitch

Wolves fan pissed.
Fans: Piss

Stewards at The Hawthorns, home to Premier League club West Bromwich Albion, were left blubbering apologetically as footage emerged today of an escaped gibbon larking about on a completely unattended pitch.

The gibbon, 43, is believed to be a resident of the West Midlands city of Wolverhampton and as such has developed not only a primitive sense of local rivalry but has also worked out how to dress itself in rudimentary clothing and speak a bit like people.

Wolves fan pissed on West Brom's pitch - Birmingham Mail front page
Wolves: Monkeys

In a move which will almost certainly see a tide of grief coming the way for everyone involved in this sorry incident, the ape found his way onto the Hawthorns turf, urinated on the centre-circle in order to mark his territory, rolled in his own urine for the sheer thrill of it and then uploaded a video of the whole shocking caboodle onto popular video-sharing website YouTube.

A source told Football Burp that Nigel, the head steward, had been found asleep in his chair with the wireless on and as such did not notice the gibbon sneaking into the room, delicately lifting the bundle of keys out of his pocket with the end of a broom, accidentally make a loud noise so as to almost wake him up but not quite, before bounding onto the completely unattended pitch and having his way with it.

Baggies boss Roy ‘Psycho’ Hodgson said: “Why would a pitch need keys?”

And here’s what Wolfmonkey had to say about it…