Jack Wilshere injured? You heard it right, folks – turns out the Arsenal midfielder is set to miss the first 6 to 8 weeks of the season in what is already being described as “a shock twist”.
According to Football Burp sources, the England scrote and social smoker was crocked in a training ground challenge with team mate Gabriel Paulista, a potential rival for a first-team spot.
Less intelligent sections of the Emirates faithful took to social media to register their disgust with the Brazilian, who has since released a statement saying, “Não é minha culpa que Jack é feito de vidro.”
When asked what that meant, Gabriel held up a Google Translate entry on his smart phone saying, “It’s not my fault that Jack is made of glass.”
Then everyone was all like, “Oh, okay.”
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Gunners boss Arsène Wenger described the challenge that left Jack Wilshere injured – er, again – as “not even really a challenge”.
He shrugged: “I’d love to tell you I didn’t see it, but I think everyone saw Gabriel tapping Jack on the shoulder to ask if he wanted any ice cream from the van that had just parked up outside.
“That’s when Jack’s collar bone shot down into his hamstring, causing all the tendon in his body to explode out of his eyes and nose like a massive tapeworm fleeing Godzilla.
“It was f***ed up.”