England can just f**k off then, says Ukraine’s Deputy Prime Minister Borys Kolesnikov.
The Three Lions’ decision to set up camp in Poland for Euro 2012 despite their group matches taking place in Ukraine had initially attracted quizzical looks from the former Soviet nation, who couldn’t understand why Fabio Capello’s men would deliberately lumber themselves with so much unnecessary extra travel.
After receiving no official response from the English FA, Kolesnikov and his comrades began to express mirthful bewilderment, throwing their arms in the air and making outlandish statements such as “everyone knows our bases are among the best in Europe”.
Having woken up this morning and eagerly checked their emails, answerphone messages and fax machines, the Ukrainian government told a hastily assembled press conference that “black souls wear white shirts”.
Kolesnikov said: “Everyone knows that a hungry wolf is stronger than a satisfied dog. We will crush the lions with our falcon wallop.
“Does borrowed bread not lie heavy on the stomach? After all, deficiencies come by the kilo and go by the gram.
“If I could tell the English one thing, it would be: ‘drink a glass of wine after your soup and you will be stealing a ruble from the doctor.’
“They might say that flies will not land on a boiling pot, but it’s clear that if you chase two hares at the same time, you will catch neither of them.
“The church is near, but the way is icy. The tavern is far, but I will walk carefully. The malicious cow disturbs the whole herd.”
He added: “By which I mean, of course, England can totally suck my wang.”