“Arsène Wenger referees charity match” – not the breaking news that Arsenal fans had hoped to wake up to on transfer deadline day, and it got worse as the Gunners boss lost his wallet and had to sign Danny Welbeck.

The guest of honour at the first Interreligious Match for Peace held at Rome’s Stadio Olimpico stadium, French, had flown out apparently satisfied that a deal for Falcao had been ratified, brokered and all sorts of other fancy words used in situations such as these.

Unfortunately for Wenger, when he returned to his locker at the end of the game his wallet was gone and he had to sign Danny Welbeck.

No fancy transfer words for Welbeck – you’ve got to be Falcao to get ratified, brokered and sanctioned in these parts. You can have a deal agreed “in principle”, but that sounds kind of dumb.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Wenger insinuated in no uncertain terms that he believed himself to have been the victim of an elaborate hoax.

He imparted: “I heard Louis van Gaal knows the pope – I’m just saying, it’s something I’ve heard.

“I didn’t see the incident – oui, merci, no need to applaud – but I strongly suspect that someone’s half-inched my wallet knowing full well of my shopping intentions.

“Whoever it was left just enough cash to sign Danny Welbeck. What kind of sick mind are we dealing with here?

“I suppose I could have signed George Boyd or Niko Kranjčar and told people it was Falcao. That might have worked.

“None of those ‘Wenger referees charity match, everything goes wrong’ headlines then.”