Jordan Henderson and Adam Lallana maintain they were trying to find Wayne Rooney when they visited a strip club after England’s 3-0 World Cup qualifying win over Scotland.
The Liverpool duo denied lecherous intent or even youthful hijinks, insisting they were merely trying to locate their captain for an educational game of head tennis.
Unbeknownst to them, a sozzled Rooney was busying himself at the hotel piano, entertaining wedding guests with a medley of Stereophonics covers.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Henderson and Lallana emphasised they love their wives and would never do anything to hurt them unless it involved finding Wayne Rooney.
They chorused: “We thought a strip club was a nightclub where everyone wears football kits, honest.
“As young athletes circulating more testosterone than we know what to do with, we would never seek cheap sexual thrills as an outlet.
“Au contraire, the place was quite expensive.”
They added: “Erm, by which we mean, we’re pleased to confirm that Wayne turned up safe and sound, drooling and banging out a discordant version of ‘Just Looking’.
“That’s what we meant.”