“We Can Still Be Total Dicks,” Insists Terry

Chelsea's John Terry
Terry... Merry (Img: Paul Bence)

Chelsea captain John Terry insists that he and his fellow senior professionals at Stamford Bridge still have what it takes to completely undermine their manager’s authority.

Terry, a Sagittarius, has poured scorn all over suggestions that the likes of Didier Drogba, Ashley Cole, Michael Essien, England Star Frank Lampard and Petr Cech are no longer equipped to obstinately reject fresh ideas, not least those that entail their removal from the starting line-up, maintaining that he and his illustrious team mates are more than up to the challenge of driving Andre Villas-Boas out of a job by May at the latest.

Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, Terry also reiterated his desire to one day manage the west London club, adding that he would have no qualms about being a complete and utter dick to himself before tendering his resignation following a blazing row with a mirror.

He said: “People have been saying that the lads aren’t up to the task of making the manager’s position untenable anymore, but I’ve seen enough over the last few weeks to convince me that this couldn’t be further from the truth.

“Ashley’s been a bit quiet of late but history suggests that he’s due to do or say something thoroughly objectionable any day now, Didier’s been staying behind after training to whisper demoralising jibes into Fernando Torres’s ear while he practises shooting, while England Star Frank Lampard is still the best in the business at strutting up authoritatively to just about anyone – usually referees, but it’s an adaptable skill – and calmly persuading them to see things from his point of view, which is of course that of a hugely respected and influential England Star.

“Between us, I think we still have more than enough snide belligerence and bloated self-importance to bring a whole nation to its knees, never mind force a Portuguese whippersnapper out of his lucrative position.”

Of his managerial aspirations, Terry said: “It’s been an honour to captain Chelsea all these years, and I still harbour ambitions of one day managing the club.

“Of course, as I’m not Jose Mourinho I’d be obliged to foster virtually unworkable conditions for myself, but I’ve never been one to shirk a challenge.”

He added: “Now if you don’t mind, I have to go spread my own faeces all over someone’s tactics board. Cheerio, folks!”