Wayne Rooney extra training sparks media-led festival of idiocy

England striker labels tabloids "a pack of bad, bad quilts".

Wayne Rooney extra training
“Aaaand one and two and…”

It’s the Wayne Rooney extra training that’s had a nation in thrall to the very notion of it, and it appears to have sparked another idiotic media frenzy.

The England striker, embattled, decided to undertake additional sessions with Roy Hodgson’s reserves in a bid to ‘up’ his match fitness ahead of tomorrow’s ‘crunch’ World Cup group stage ‘clash’ with Uruguay.

Regurgitating these developments in typically, transparently agenda-led fashion, British tabloids portrayed Rooney’s training with the reserves as evidence that he is set to be dropped in favour of either David Hirst or Lee Chapman.

One particularly outlandish red-top claimed Rooney to be an alien who turns hamsters into fish fingers and eats them, an accusation which the player himself has denied vehemently.

Writing on his Facebook page, Rooney also refuted speculation from the Daily Mail that he’s an illegal immigrant who steals cinder blocks from the construction sites of children’s hospitals in order that he may continue building an elaborate underground meth lab.

He said: “Sometimes I wonder what the media are getting at.

“Are they trying to say I’m an illegal immigrant meth cook England reserve? Because that just isn’t true.

“Ask Lamps, Stevie or either of the Neville brothers – I’m blowing chunks me, lad, that’s how much extra training I’m getting through.

“Honestly, you see the words ‘Wayne Rooney extra training’ and you assume I didn’t ask for it? Bad queg you, lad.

“Me an’ Studge are gonna rip Uruguay a new one. Maybe even several new ones – we’ll see how we feel on the day.”

He added: “Oh f**k, my toe.”

Gary Lewin was unavailable for comment.