Warnock Announces New Tour, Gives Burp a Sneak Preview

Neil Warnock has announced details of a new tour with Leeds United
Warnock... Just like that

Gruff yet loveable old-school entertainer Neil Warnock shall be previewing new material on a series of dates across the UK between now and May.

The prop comedian and magician, a Sagittarius, has revealed plans to guide Leeds United back to the Premier League, only to make a right hash of it for comic effect and wind up pretty much where he started.

In the lead-up to this tantalising set-piece, Warnock shall be touring the country with the famous old Elland Road club, delighting adults and children alike with his lightning quick gags and general well-rehearsed buffoonery.

He told Football Burp: “I almost thought twice about coming here when they told me the club is run by a fella called Bates – after all, I’ve already worked with Joey Barton this season, and that was more than enough psycho for me!”

Once the laughter had died down, Warnock continued: “But seriously folks, Joey’s a lovely lad. I asked him once if he could help me carry me spuds home from the grocer’s – he went off, and sure enough he got me the sack!”

As hysterical guffawing filled the air, Warnock eyed his audience left to right and said: “No, but really, it’s a great honour to be here speaking to you as the manager of Leeds United. This club’s been to Elland back! Am I right, folks?

“Seriously though, I’m looking forward to using Robbie Snodgrass just off the front man. I haven’t decided who’ll play bass yet, but the lad McCormack has been banging his own drum of late, so that’s that sorted!”

Nodding appreciatively to the ripples of applause afforded him, Warnock pulled the mic closer and said: “No, but seriously, I think it’s a disgrace that young Ross didn’t get a Scotland call-up, although I’m not sure I agree with him when he says he should have been in ahead of Goodwillie – a bad one maybe, but certainly not a good one!”

He then had to calm his audience down before delivering the final killer blow: “You’ve been great, but I best be off now – I’ve got a meeting with Simon’s old secretary. Shouldn’t be more than about fifteen minutes. Don’t tell the wife!”

He added: “Now, I’m not saying the mother-in-law’s fat, but…”