Theo Walcott has hired a team of security personnel to watch him round the clock as Santi Cazorla and Mathieu Debuchy succumbed to injuries.
The Arsenal star was reportedly spooked to see his long-term treatment room pals fall to fresh ailments and fears he may be next in the pattern.
Walcott has been in fine form for the Gunners this season, actually scoring goals and that.
But with his uncharacteristic fitness now under threat from forces unknown, he is refusing to take any chances.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp from a safe location, Walcott compared his plight to the Final Destination movie franchise.
He said: “I’ve seen those films, so I know what can happen and how to identify yourself as part of a pattern.
“Can you cheat injury? Well, I guess we’ll find out, but it might require going on loan to Bournemouth for a season.
“Aaron Ramsey has literally wrapped himself in cotton wool, which has obviously brought about a lot of Wales/sheep banter.
“I’m under strict instructions not to laugh too hard, though, lest my sides actually split and I lose that crucial half a yard of pace.”