Ill-tempered yet humble racist Jamie Vardy has become only the second player to score in ten consecutive Premier League matches, much to everyone’s delight.
The Leicester City striker equalled Ruud van Nistelrooy’s achievement with an emphatically drilled near-post finish in the 3-0 win at Newcastle, and he can break the record against the Dutchman’s old side Manchester United on Saturday.
Vardy gave up hours of his post-match time to pose wide-eyed and self-pinching for various media outlets, pausing occasionally to instruct a “Jap” to “walk on” lest they “get banged”.
Rubbing one foot behind the other like some cherubic cariacature, he said: “Aw gee, shucks, mister, it would sure mean a lot to break the record, y’know.
“It only feels like yesterday I was having to play three positions simultaneously for The Dog & Duck XI because three of my team mates had injured themselves on the marshy terrain underfoot.
“Stuff like that helps to keep your feet on the ground when you’re…when you’re being photographed point-black by a Jap tourist.
“Oi, Jap, walk on! That’s right, make yourself scarce! Don’t make me bang you, Jap!
“Where were we? Ah yeah, so basically I’m just trying to keep my head down, work hard and hopefully I’ll continue to reap the benefits.
“I said walk on, Jap! You’ll get banged, I swear it, Jap!”
He added: “Sorry about that. Just someone I know from the casino, he’s always trying to look at my cards and that.
“I’d have banged him there and then if it weren’t for Nuge holding me in a headlock.”