Aston Villa are pretty f**ked, according to latest figures.
The Midlands giants, struggling, yesterday announced a loss of £53.9m for the last financial year, calling into question the wisdom of owner Randy Lerner’s policies of letting players choose their own wages and making managerial appointments based on the advice of a “a little blue alien called Small Heath that only I can see – he’s kinda like The Great Gazoo but with a Birmingham accent, and he likes to swipe hamburgers away from my mouth just as I’m about to take a bite”.
While Martin O’Neill was roundly praised for spending a small fortune on finishing just below Everton, the Villa Park faithful will be disappointed to learn that his 2010 resignation triggered a clause in his contract which stipulated that he was entitled to a solid gold house, a fully operational replica of the Batmobile and Emile Heskey’s first born son if he suddenly decided that he couldn’t be arsed with it all any more and left the club in the lurch.
Villa’s chief financial officer Robin Russell said: “Given the challenging economic environment, we’re absolutely super-stoked at announcing record losses, especially at a time when things are going so well for us on the pitch.
“The board of Aston Villa are confident that the actions taken since the end of the 2010-11 financial year have galvanised the long-term sustainability of the club and have also given us a better financial platform on which to build for future mind-numbing mediocrity and stockpiling of permanently injured midfielders on massive wages.
“Our objectives are to compete sporadically on the pitch and to achieve sustainability as well as compliance with Uefa’s Financial Fair Play requirements, not that there’s anything particularly unfair to other clubs about investing millions of pounds into sinking ever lower out of contention.”
Curtis Davies, Habib Beye, Luke Young, Marlon Harewood, Carlos Cuellar, Fabian Delph, Nigel Reo-Coker, Nicky Shorey, Shaun Maloney, Wayne Routledge, Moustapha Salifou, Didier Agathe and Steve Sidwell said: “F**k do I care? I’ve been to Disneyland so many times now that Mickey Mouse and I are pen pals.”
Alex McLeish said: “You should probably mention me in the article at some point, if just for the sake of key words.”