All of the world’s press outlets have agreed to focus solely on head-to-head Van Gaal v Moyes stats until current global events subside, it has been announced.
The informative statistical comparison, ubiquitous, shall be deployed as a blanket safety measure so as to quell the fires of media-based tensions worldwide.
Manchester United’s 0-1 defeat at home to Southampton on Sunday was seized upon by journalists desperately seeking something to write about that carried any sort of valid news angle but wasn’t likely to end in mindless slaughter.
And Real Sociedad’s recent 1-0 victory over Barcelona was ecstatically received by all those grasping for a means by which to slant the much-scrutinised Van Gaal v Moyes record in the Scotsman’s favour.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, the editor of our bitter Stateside rivals Soccer Belch revealed that he planned to write about nothing else until such a time as he wouldn’t be putting his entire family at risk by writing about literally any other subject.
He said: “You know where you stand with the Van Gaal v Moyes stats – they’re eye-catching and fresh, and they’re unlikely to spiral into a situation whereby you end up as a statistic yourself.
“As you can see, they’re on the same number of points at this stage of the season – and as you can also see, that’s quite an interesting little nugget of info.
“Everyone else seems to be deploying it as a sort of security BBC test card, so I think I’ll just play it safe and avoid anything else like the plague for the time being.”
In other news, CNN have announced that they will broadcast footage of Moyes and van Gaal mud-wrestling in order to signal an impending nuclear holocaust.