Manchester United have launched a £25m bid for Barcelona midfielder Cesc Fàbregas after someone told new manager David Moyes that he’s allowed to sign more or less anyone he likes.

Moyes, Scotlandish, had spent most of last week scouring the loan market and eyeing up out-of-contract SPL players – but no one at Old Trafford had noticed as everyone was too busy appointing new coaches every few minutes or so.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a Red Devils insider claimed to have been bringing a coffee into Moyes’s office yesterday morning when he found him “thrashing out a deal to sign George Boateng”.

He said: “I says to him, ‘Come on, Moyesey lad, you’re manager of the biggest club in the world now – you could at least bid for Kevin-Prince Boateng, or Jerome Boateng.

“He looks at me with those big, blue eyes and whimpers, ‘R…r…really?’, his chin all aquiver like an upset dimpled child.

“Then I says, ‘Is this what you were doing all last week while we were appointing coaches? I bet you’ve tried to sign that Steven Naismith, haven’t you?’

“He sniffles a bit then cracks a bashful smile, holding up a fax he’d just got from Naismith’s agent.

“A fax! Turns out he brought the machine with him from Everton.

“I says, ‘Come on, Moyesey lad – blow your nose and let’s go shopping.

“He blew a hole right through my hankie, the daft get.”

He continued: “Perhaps I should have kept my counsel – he’s spent the last twenty-four hours stomping around Old Trafford roaring “I…am…GOD!” and ‘signing’ inanimate objects.

“He looks at my watch, right, and goes, ‘I’m having that.’ He scribbles on a cheque, tears it off and hands it to me – it’s made out to ‘MUFC Coffee Bloke’ and to the amount of ‘eighty squillion pounds’.

“I’ve not found anywhere that’ll cash it, so I’m keen to see just how much he’s offering for Cesc Fàbregas.

“He’s even talked about selling Wayne Rooney just so he can buy him back again.”

Moyes was not available for comment as he was stomping around Manchester city centre in search of fresh blood and transfer targets.

Find out 10 things that would cost the same as Cesc Fàbregas