The Premier League have today announced that at the conclusion of this year’s transfer window it will be ‘closed gently’ rather than ‘slammed shut’.

In recent times, largely due to media hype, the window has been slammed shut at midnight of the final day.

Health & Safety types have raised a concern that this could lead to someone trapping a finger so have insisted that the practice is outlawed.

A Senior Health & Safety Adviser to the Premier League said: “Although the aforementioned window is a metaphorical construct designed to represent a period of time where the trading of professional sportspeople can take place, we still don’t like the idea of it being slammed.

“So don’t do it. Or you will get a stern letter or sent on a safety awareness course. No one needs that.”

Other changes to transfer window activity due to safety concerns will be as follows:

A restriction on Sky Sports News presenters getting so excited about Crawley signing a new left-back that they need a sedative. They will only be able to lose their minds about a transfer once a day and only if it involves a Premier League footballer who your mum would have heard of.

Pushing microphones through car windows at high speeds as managers leave training grounds will cease immediately. One day Harry Redknapp will lose an eye.

The use of fax machines is to be banned because it’s, like, 2017, and you can’t get a paper cut from an email, can you?

No, you can’t.