Torres Strikes Vindicate Ancient Mayan Prophecy as Terry Turns Northern

Torres... Scorres! (Img: David Yerga)

Fernando Torres scored on the weekend – twice!

The Chelsea striker, who turns 28 tomorrow, notched a brace as John Terry’s men beat Leicester City 5-2 at Stamford Bridge yesterday to book an FA Cup semi-final date with Tottenham Hotspur at Wembley.

Torres, a Spaniard, shocked everyone when he connected with Raul Meireles’s cross and guided the ball past Kasper Schmeichel and into the Foxes’ goal, thus proving correct the ancient Mayan prophecy that his goal drought would end in 2012.

Speaking exclusively to someone else, Torres said: “It was a strange sensation – after I knocked on Raul’s pass, everyone on the pitch seemed to stop playing while most of the people off it went totally bananas, as we say in Spain.

“I was all like, ‘What’s going on?’ I’ve seen The Happening – in fact I’m a big fan of M. Night Shyamalan’s work – so my immediate reaction was, ‘Oh crap, the grass must be emitting a neurotoxin that’s going to make us all jump off the roof of the stadium like lemmings.

“Then Mr Terry put his arm around me, took a big puff on his pipe and said, ‘You’ve done it, son – you’ve fulfilled the ancient Mayan prophecy, not to mention earned yourself a nice little ten-shilling goal bonus.’

“It’s a bit weird how John’s turned into an old-school disciplinarian and started speaking in a gruff northern accent since appointing himself manager, but I was quite amused when he told John Motson to ‘pipe down, sonny, or I’ll slip one up yer missus quicker than you can button yer coat.”

One onlooker said: “What a strange article.”