Tony Blair has followed up his GQ Philanthropist of the Year award by scooping an arguably even more prestigious gong, namely the Golden Boot.
The Boot, Golden, had traditionally been presented to the best player at a World Cup until this year’s tournament in Brazil, when it was presented to the most Adidas-sponsored player in Lionel Messi.
Brazil 2014 has since been reviewed by the Dubious Awards Panel, who made the decision upon second viewing to strip Messi of his accolade and reallocate it to former Prime Minister Blair in recognition of all his selfless charity work since retiring from war criminality.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Blair angrily denied reports that he is to hang up his Middle East Peace Envoy’s hat in order to take up a loosely similar role with Adidas.
He roared: “That’s clearly just a case of someone adding two and two together and getting tens of thousands of Iraqi civilian casualties.
“Unlike Lionel, I flat out refuse to have anything to do with Adidas whatsoever. Have you seen their human rights record? It makes me, Tony Blair, look like bloody Yoda.”
He continued: “I have to say though, it’s nice to be recognised for my footballing prowess for once.
“Don’t get me wrong, I like it when people say, ‘Look, there goes the brilliant and dashing philanthropist Tony Blair,’ but it does ring increasingly hollow when it’s not always followed by, ‘and I hear he’s unplayable as a false 9.’
“I guess I’ve just always been after that little bit more than most.”