Tom Cleverley is better and considerably more successful at his job than you are at yours, and he’s probably better-looking than you too, it has been confirmed.
The Manchester United midfielder, much-maligned, has been the subject of renewed mockery across various social media platforms as an £8m move to Aston Villa draws ever closer.
However, new research has revealed that the overwhelming majority of those mocking him are “probably ugly morons stuck in dead-end jobs that they’re not even any good at”.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a spokesperson for the footballistics department at the University of Oxford clarified some of the key differences between Tom Cleverley and you.
He said: “Tom Cleverley has England caps, a Premier League title winner’s medal, and in all likelihood a really, really fit girlfriend.
“Whereas you don’t.”
He continued: “There are substantial financial disparities to consider as well.
“There isn’t an organisation in the world that would consider paying £8m for your services, nor will there ever be.
“And that’s before we even get to the subject of personal wealth – Tom Cleverley probably gets paid more in a week than you earn in a year.
“As you can see, posting sardonically about Tom Cleverley on Twitter and Facebook is not so much a hollow victory for you as it is just plain hollow.
“Tom Cleverley wins, I’m afraid. Sorry.”
Tom Cleverley was unavailable for comment as he was busy polishing his Premier League winner’s medal with a £50 note, which he shall then set on fire and laugh about.