Theresa May has delivered an historic address to the nation regarding the Diego Costa situation, assuring Chelsea fans that they should remain competitive with Eden Hazard as a false 9.

Using single market access for a post-Brexit Great Britain to illustrate her point, the Prime Minister said that Costa “couldn’t possibly remain” at Stamford Bridge as he’s “well and truly sh*t the bed”.

May called for Michy Batshuayi to step up to the mark in the eventuality of any Costa move to China, adding that red, white and blue Brexit means red, white and blue Brexit and it’s all groovy, so chill.

She said: “Pedro’s been banging them in too, so I say get rid.

“It’s only a matter of time before Costa goes all feral again, does that thing where he flares his ears out like a Dilophosaurus, and eats an opponent mid-match.

“I mean, why put up with that sh*t instead of taking the £80m?

“Also Brexit will be fine.”