Want-away Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez has had his charge for refusing to come on as a substitute in a recent Champions League game at Bayern Munich downgraded after a disciplinary hearing this morning.

After first of all deciding that the eve of a Manchester derby would represent the ideal occasion to deal with the matter, the committee – made up of various friends and well-wishers of the Argentine’s, in a set-up not unlike former BBC staple This Is Your Life – decided unanimously that ‘refusing to play’ was a bit of a harsh charge, really, and how about ‘refusing to warm up’ instead?

However, when someone pointed out that those two charges amounted pretty much to the same thing, the committee were forced to reconsider their verdict and subsequently altered it to ‘refusing to give Roberto Mancini a chip in the canteen the other week’.

Another person with a comically meek voice then stood up with a finger aloft and said: “Erm…that still makes Carlos sound like a bit of a meanie. How about we charge him for failing to wash his hands after going onesies?”

This time, a rotund gentleman of a more cocksure demeanour got out of his seat to say: “F*** this for a game of charades. It’s Friday, so I’m leaving early.”

Football Burp understands that there were then general murmurings of assent and everyone buggered off to the pub.