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“Take that, critics!” cries defeated Mourinho

Decides in own mind that penalties defeat to Stoke is proof of his unique genius, tells everyone.

This telltale sign of madness was found in Mourinho's office
This was found in Mourinho’s office (Image: Marcel Oosterwijk)

José Mourinho’s sharp descent into madness continued apace last night as he took aim at his critics following Chelsea’s League Cup exit at Stoke.

The Portuguese, embattled, decided in his mind that the penalty shoot-out defeat at the Britannia was somehow evidence that he is the greatest and the master of all he surveys.

He subsequently decided that his deciding himself to be the greatest and it therefore being true was incontrovertible proof, if indeed any were needed, that he can make stuff up in his mind which then goes on to become reality.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, telepathically at first but then with his actual voice when we’d repeatedly failed to pick up his “transmissions”, Mourinho pointed out that he never really loses football matches so much as declines to win them.

He roared: “Last night showed that I well and truly have what it takes to lose a League Cup tie on penalties on a cold Tuesday night in Stoke.

“I know many people enjoy seeing me fail, so I am delighted to shove it all right back in their stupid faces by succeeding to lose last night.

“I can now begin my metamorphosis into Bertie, King of the Crab People and mount a serious bid to dethrone God Almighty and take his place as benevolent-yet-wrathful supreme ruler of the universe.

“I still haven’t decided yet what that will entail, but when I do I’ll be sure to beam it directly into all of your minds.”

He added: “Peace out, losers.”