Switzerland sheds neutrality after penalty in Northern Ireland

Events in first-leg of World Cup play-off force reconsideration.

Swiss army knife
SWISS: Army knife

Switzerland has declared itself no longer politically neutral after winning 1-0 in Northern Ireland thanks to a dodgy penalty.

Romanian referee Ovidiu Hațegan helped settle the first leg of the World Cup play-off by incorrectly deeming Corry Evans to have handled in the area.

In a sighting described as “entirely coincidental”, he was later seen leaving Windsor Park with a large Toblerone sticking out of his back pocket.

He was then summoned to Fifa’s Zürich headquarters on the pretext of “disciplinary action”, but according to onlookers he emerged later carrying a personalised cuckoo clock signed by Sepp Blatter.

As further details emerged, an emergency meeting was called by the Swiss Federal Council to discuss shedding the principle of neutrality it established in 1815.

They later released a statement saying: “Events in Northern Ireland the other night showed us once and for all that neutrality is for suckers.

“We will immediately set about building a statue in the referee’s honour and invading large chunks of the Middle East.

“This new Switzerland is going to be totally bad ass, we assure you.”